Letting You Go

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I stared at the night sky lying under it. It’s the first time after our breakup that I am out here without him. I have been craving this for some time, but I didn’t want to visit the place alone. I was too afraid to come here and see him with her. I learnt so many things from my failed relationship. One of the many things was that people are replaceable, and the places and moments that I thought were special were going to be hers too. But it wasn’t easy for me to move on from him and our memories, even if they were replaceable.

The sky looked pretty like it always did. As I lay there alone, all the moments we shared there rushed into my mind, and my eyes betrayed me. Tears slowly rolled down, not realizing I have moved on. No, my eyes were not easily convinced by the fact that I had moved on. I knew it wasn’t easy, but I had to pretend just to make everything seem okay. “I don’t think I will fall in love again.” I said to myself like I always did.

I don’t remember when, but I slept underneath the sky, overwhelmed by our memories amidst the emotional outbursts. The screeching sound of tires awakened me. I was startled by the arrival of one ghostly figure. I hid behind the tall, thick tree nearby so that I don’t scare the new visitor. I tried to figure out who the person was, and I realized it was him! I wondered what he was doing here alone. “Did he break up? Why isn’t she here? No, hush… What am I even thinking about? Ever heard of something called self-love?” I tried to hush down my thoughts, but my curiosity didn’t let me.

I decided to approach him. I wasn’t mentally prepared to see him. I didn’t know how he would react either. I slowly walked towards him and sat down a few steps away from him. He noticed the presence of another person and gazed at me. He was surprised to see me there. I could see that he was struggling to find words. Why trouble him. I started the conversation, “So you come here often?” He shook his head. His silence made me mad. “Oh, now you won’t talk to me.” I tried to suppress my anger; I realized my mental stability wasn’t stable enough for this conversation. I wanted to get away from the place as soon as possible before I hurt myself and him. I decided to move away, but he got hold of my hand, “Stay!” Like always, I stayed. He asked me to sit down, and I did. I couldn’t look at his face. He wasn’t mine anymore, and I couldn’t accept that. After a long silence, he said, “I come here when I miss you.” My heart skipped a beat.

“Why didn’t you bring her here?” I didn’t want to ask that to him, yet I wanted to know.

“This was our place and I want it to remain just ours.” He sighed and continued,

“Some nights I just re-read the last conversation we had. A stupid fight brought us to this. I believe everything happened for a reason and you do deserve someone better than me, who gives you the love and care you deserve. But some nights I just miss you, I search my WhatsApp and gallery to find any audio clips you had send me. Remember the audio you send me on my birthday? I hear them almost every night. Sometimes I wonder whether you think about me at all, miss me or wanna hear my voice and all… so I come here some nights hoping you would be here.”

“Why? I know you too well, if I had stayed, you would have been confused figuring out who to choose and trust me nobody wants to be a choice. I have been hurt before and got used to it. But she is not, I don’t want her to get hurt. I don’t even know her but, I just don’t want her to get hurt like I did. If I had stayed, the love you give would be out of guilt and I know I deserve better. You deserve better” I struggled to get words.

He stayed silent for some time and said, “Can we be at least friends?”

I shook my head and said, “We can’t water what’s already dead. We had a beautiful friendship which I would cherish as long as I live but, no we can’t stay friends. Maybe you can, but deep down even if I don’t want to accept, I know that, I love you so much that I hate me for thinking about you, missing you… and it took me everything to come here one last time as I say goodbye to this city.”

“So, it’s a goodbye?”

I nodded my head, “Let’s just say we loved each other a lot a long time ago.”

“Will you call me some time?”

“No…”

“At least text me?”

“All in good times.” I tried to smile. As I stood up to leave, he said, “I loved you.”

I smiled and walked away, saying, “I loved you too.”

This time I didn’t feel my heart heavy; it was comforted. Maybe it’s time to let go; this time for real.

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